What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to
explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not
answer properly, which is to say dishonestly. These questions have only
one right answer, but many wrong answers. For example:
- "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of
course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just
reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent,
beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the
guy is really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five
According to an article in Sassy Magazine, the best answer to this
stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married...With Children, who
was asked this question by he wife Peg. "If I wanted you to know, " Al
said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
- How fat you are.
- How much prettier she is than you.
- How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
"Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes."
For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may
answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
- "I suppose so."
- "Would it make you feel better if I said yes?"
- "That depends on what you mean by 'love.'"
- "Does it matter?"
- "Who, me?"
"Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then
quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:
- I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either."
- Compared to what?"
- A little extra weight looks good on you."
- I've seen fatter."
- Insurance policy."
"Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in question
could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard
that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie
you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
- "Not prettier, just pretty in a different way."
- "I don't know how one goes about rating such things."
- "Yes, but I bet you have a better personality."
- "Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner."
- "Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your
"What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in
the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning
for me and I would of course hurl myself under the front tires of the
first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the
stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset, " said the husband. "Why do
you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear," said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"all right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes, " said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long
"Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily, "And would you take down the pictures
of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet, "And I suppose you'd
let her play with my golf clubs too?!"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband, "She's left-handed!"