The Authoritative Points to Ponder.

  1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
  3. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
  4. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
  5. Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  6. ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  7. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
  8. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  9. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  10. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  11. I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
  12. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  13. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
  14. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  15. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  16. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  17. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  18. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  19. I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
  20. Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.
  21. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
  22. Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock.
  23. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  24. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  25. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  26. Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.
  27. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
  28. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
  29. Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
  30. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  31. Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
  32. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  33. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
  34. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
  35. Dain bramaged.
  36. Department of Redundancy Department
  37. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D’Etat!
  38. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  39. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
  40. A day without sunshine is like, night.
  41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  42. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  43. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  44. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  45. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  46. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  47. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  48. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  49. Remember half the people you know are below average.
  50. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  51. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
  52. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  53. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  54. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  55. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  56. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  57. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  58. I intend to live forever-so far so good.
  59. Borrow money from a pessimist-they don't expect it back.
  60. Mind like a steel trap -- rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  61. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  62. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  63. Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
  64. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  65. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  66. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  67. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  68. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  69. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
  70. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  71. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  72. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  73. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
  74. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  75. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  76. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  77. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  78. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
  79. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  80. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  81. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  82. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  83. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  84. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
  85. Get a new car for you spouse-it'll be a great trade!
  86. Plan to be spontaneous
  87. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  88. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  89. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
  90. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  91. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you
  92. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
  93. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
  94. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
  95. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
  96. My Reality Check bounced.
  97. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  98. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
  99. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
  100. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
  101. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
  102. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
  103. I still miss my ex-husband, but my aim is improving.
  104. Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
  105. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
  106. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
  107. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
  108. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
  109. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
  110. I don't get even, I get odder.
  111. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
  112. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
  113. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
  114. Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
  115. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
  116. I am having an out of money experience.
  117. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
  118. Not afraid of heights—afraid of widths.
  119. Practice safe eating—always use condiments.
  120. A day without sunshine is like night.
  121. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  122. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
  123. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  124. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  125. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  126. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  127. He who hesitates is probably right.
  128. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
  129. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  130. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  131. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
  132. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  133. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
  134. I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
  135. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
  136. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
  137. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
  138. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
  139. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they are out walking around delivering the mail?
  140. VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
  141. STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
  142. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  143. Clones are people two.
  144. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  145. Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
  146. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  147. We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  148. All generalizations are false.
  149. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
  150. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  151. It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
  152. I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
  153. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  154. Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  155. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
  156. If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
  157. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
  158. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
  159. We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
  160. Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  161. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
  162. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
  163. A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  164. A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
  165. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  166. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
  167. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  168. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
  169. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
  170. So you're a feminist — Isn't that cute!
  171. I need someone really bad — are you really bad?
  172. To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
  173. All men are idiots — I married their king.
  174. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  175. My kid had sex with your honor student.
  176. Prude parent of an honor roll stud.
  177. Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply.
  178. Jesus loves you — Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  179. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  180. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
  181. WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
  182. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  183. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
  184. I'm a born-again pagan.
  185. God must love stupid people, he made so many.
  186. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  187. If we're not supposed to cut down trees, why are they made out of wood?
  188. If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made of of meat?
  189. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
  190. There's too much youth — How about a Fountain of Smart?
  191. When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  192. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
  193. Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
  194. Visualize whirled peas.
  195. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.
  196. Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
  197. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  198. Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
  199. Thank God for the IRS - Without them I'd be stinking rich!
  200. If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them
  201. Nonconformists are all alike
  202. My honor student fired your stupid kid
  203. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
  204. Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit
  205. Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends; if they are ok, you're it
  206. My child was inmate of the month at the county jail
  207. Support mental health or I'll kill you
  208. Do what you did when you were a kid: fly a kite, go fishing, hunt a dinosaur
  209. Don't steal.. The government does not like the competition.
  210. Women Like Simple Things In Life......Men!
  211. Never Underestimate The Power Of Stupid People In Large Groups
  212. Hire Teenagers while they still know everything!
  213. When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
  214. YOU!!! Out of the gene pool
  215. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles
  216. Us blondes aren't bumb.

    Forwarded from Dave Wisneski, Robert Kissell, David Sonshine, and Ronald Poserina, Jr.