We, the People of the United States, in an Attempt to help Everyone get along, restore some Semblance of Justice, avoid any more Riots, keep our Nation safe, promote positive Behavior, & secure the Blessings of Debt-free Liberty to our-selves & our Great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more Time to ordain & establish some Common-sense Guidelines for the terminally whiny, Guilt-ridden, deluded, & other liberal Bed-wetters. We hold these Truths to be self-evident, that a whole Lot of People are confus'd by the Bill of Rights & are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I You do not have the Right to a new Car, big-screen TV or any other form of Wealth. More Power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II You do not have the Right to never be offended. This country is bas'd on Freedom, & that means Freedom for Everyone — not just you! You may leave the Room, turn the Channel, express a different Opinion, etc., but the World is full of Idiots, & probably always will be.

ARTICLE III You do not have the Right to be free from Harm. If you stick a Screw-driver in your Eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the Tool-Manufacturer to make you & all your Relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV You do not have the Right to free Food & Housing. Americans are the most charitable People to be found, & will gladly help Anyone in Need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing Generation after Generation of professional Couch-potatoes who achieve nothing more than the Creation of another Generation of professional Couch-potatoes.

ARTICLE V You do not have the Right to free Health-care. That would be nice, but from the Looks of public Housing, we're just not interested in public Health-care.

ARTICLE VI You do not have the Right to physically harm other People. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill Someone, don't be surpris'd if the Rest of us want to see you fry in the Electric-chair.

ARTICLE VII You do not have the right to the Possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the Goods or Services of other Citizens, don't be surpris'd if the Rest of us get together & lock you away in a Place where you still won't have the Right to a Big-screen color TV or a Life of Leisure.

ARTICLE VIII You don't have the Right to demand that our Children risk their Lives in Foreign Wars to soothe your aching Conscience. We hate oppressive Governments & won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire World & do not want to spend so much of our Time battling each & every little Tyrant with a Military Uniform & a funny Hat.

ARTICLE IX You don't have the Right to a Job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, & will gladly help you along in hard Times, but we expect you to take Advantage of the Opportunities of Education & vocational Training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X You do not have the Right to Happiness. Being an American means that you have the Right to pursue Happiness — which, by the way, is a Lot easier if you are unencumber'd by an Over-Abundance of idiotic Laws created by those of you who were confus'd by the Bill of Rights.