In Modesto, CA Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately failed to keep his hand in his pocket...

The Police Chief in Gold Hill, Oregon was fired this week after praying for a suspect she believed was possessed by the devil, and selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her patrol car...

Five hundred virgins marched on the White House this month, promoting celibacy and urging passing motorists to "honk for purity". Renate Verstraeten, a 17-year-old girl from the Netherlands, explained. "All over the world, virginity is something that is considered stupid. I'm a virgin."...
Remember kids, when it comes to abstinence, just say "no"...

Diet tip of the week: Don't eat squirrel brains. The Lancet Medical Journal reports a link between human consumption of squirrel brains and a variant of Mad Cow disease...
I guess they just expect me to starve...

Another day, another Elvis sighting. Officials at Ripley's Believe it or Not! Museum in Los Angeles reported that a pair of the King's briefs, valued at $1300, disappeared on August 17, the 20th anniversary of his death. A museum spokesman characterized the thief as "choosy", because "a pair of Madonna's panties were untouched"...
Now that IS a first...

A tourist at North Carolina beach died after the 8 foot hole he had dug in the sand collapsed on top of him. Daniel Jones was sitting in a beach chair at the bottom of the hole when the walls caved in... remind me again how we got to be the dominant species...

Florida motorists are watching their rear-view mirrors this week after an appellate court ruled that rectal searches by police are legal. According to the Fifth District Court of Appeals, the removal of 54 grams of cocaine from a suspect's rectum by a member of the Orange County highway drug squad was "part of a legal patdown to make sure the man wasn't armed"...
America, land of the free, home of the rectal patdown...

Officials in Sweden are under public pressure to tell the truth about a government program of involuntary sterilizations. According to newspaper reports, as many as 60,000 "genetically inferior" people were sterilized in Sweden between 1935 and 1976...
So that's how they get all those blue-eyed blondes...

When Rae Bernard turned in his lottery ticket at a deli in Arlington, Virginia, the store owner took the ticket and told Bernard he had "won a free play". A few days later, Bernard realized he'd won more than that-- $6.8 million more. The deli owner is facing 20 years in prison...

At $2 billion, the B-2 Stealth bomber is the most advanced aircraft in the world. Just don't get it wet. According to recent Air Force tests, the B-2 loses much of its ability to evade radar detection when exposed to such "severe climatic conditions" as water and humidity...
Hey, whaddya want for 2 billion?...

Our Mail-order Product of the Week Award goes to the Right to Die Society of Canada, which is offering a do it yourself home suicide kit. For $40, they will deliver your "Exit Bag" kit, which includes a "sturdy clear plastic sack the size of a garbage bag, a soft elastic neckband and Velcro fasteners to ensure a snug fit", and detailed instructions for use...
Hey, if you really need detailed instructions, I'll loan you the 40 bucks...

J.Z. Knight, a "psychic channel" for a 30,000 year old spirit named Ramtha, has successfully sued a Berlin woman in the Austrian Supreme Court for channeling the same spirit, and leaving Knight in "spiritual limbo"...

Postmaster General Marvin Runyon said Monday the U.S. Postal Service "may earn another billion dollars in net income this year," making 1997 the third straight year for such profits...
The only problem is that the check is in the mail...

The U.S. Civil Service Commission has issued the following directive in case of war: "In the event of an attack on the U.S. and until further notice: Section 831.107 of subpart A, and subsections 831.502 (B) one and two and (C) one and two of subpart E are suspended, and part M-831 is added to the regulations...
Too late, you're dead...

Police in Alexandria, Egypt have arrested a head nurse who said she just "wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet during her working hours." Aida Nur Eddin is charged with killing at least 18 hospital patients with sleeping pills...

A man in Hoover, Alabama is suing a McDonald's restaurant after claiming that he found a condom in his Big Mac. Jeff Bolling says he became violently ill when he realized that the extra-chewy part wasn't a pickle...

It took a court order from a federal judge, but Bad Frog Beer has finally been outlawed in New York State. The state Liquor Authority apparently objects to the label, which depicts a frog making an obscene hand gesture, along with the slogan "Flip the Bird, Get a Frog." According to Attorney General Dennis Vacco, "Children and their parents in grocery stores should not be subjected to an obscene frog giving them the finger"...

Authorities in Canada are warning of "dangerous fake cigars" being sold across the border to U.S. citizens. The counterfeit Cuban cigars mean big bucks for smugglers, but according to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, some of the fake stogies are "padded" with poisonous banana leaves, floor sweepings from Cuban cigar factories, and human hair...
Hey, gimme a Bad Frog Beer and a human hair cigar, and I'm good for the night...

That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...