Chrysler doesn't have a "Help Line" for people who don't know how
to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but
imagine if they did. . .
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HELPLINE: | “Chrysler Help Line, how can I help you?”
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CUSTOMER: | “I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened?”
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HELPLINE: | “Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?”
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CUSTOMER: | “What’s an ignition?”
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HELPLINE: | “It’s a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine.”
| | CUSTOMER: | “Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know
all of these electrical terms just to use my car?”
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HELPLINE: | “Chrysler Help Line, how can I help you?”
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CUSTOMER: | “My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go anywhere!”
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HELPLINE: | “Is the gas tank empty?”
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CUSTOMER: | “Huh? How do I know?”
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HELPLINE: | “There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle,
and markings fro ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the needle pointing?”
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CUSTOMER: | “It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?”
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HELPLINE: | “It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself
or pay the vendor to install it for you.”
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CUSTOMER: | “WHAT!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car
that comes with everything built in!”
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HELPLINE: | “Chrysler Help Line, how can I help you?”
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CUSTOMER: | “Your cars suck!”
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HELPLINE: | “What’s wrong?”
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CUSTOMER: | “It crashed, that’s what’s wrong!”
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HELPLINE: | “What were you doing?”
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CUSTOMER: | “I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all
the way to the floor. It worked for a while, then it
crashed-- and now it won’t start!”
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HELPLINE: | “It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?”
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CUSTOMER: | “I want you to send me one of the latest version that doen’t
crash anymore!”
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HELPLINE: | “Chrysler Help Line, how can I help you?”
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CUSTOMER: | “Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because
it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, power brakes, and power door locks.”
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HELPLINE: | “Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?”
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CUSTOMER: | “How do I work it?”
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HELPLINE: | “Do you know how to drive?”
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CUSTOMER: | “Do I know how to what?”
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HELPLINE: | “Do you know how to drive?”
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CUSTOMER: | “I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places in my
car!”
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