44 Bill Clinton Jokes.

What do Monica Lewinsky and Bob Dole have in common?
They were both upset when Bill finished first.
What is Bill’s definition of safe sex?
When Hillary is out of town.
What did Bill say to Gennifer Flowers after the scandal broke?
“Damn woman, I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election!!”
What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. ”What is it?” exclaims the President.
“It’s this Abortion Bill Mr. President; what do you want to do about it?” the aide replies.
The President responds, “Just go ahead and pay it.”
What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
“Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”
Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.
How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her.
Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, “BILL SUCKS!” on a wall outside the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House staff and find the culprit immediately.
A week later, the FBI director calls. “Mr. President, I have good news and bad news,” he says. ”The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole.”
“And the bad news?” Clinton demands.
After a slight pause, the director replies, “Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!”
How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton’s sexual appetite?
It Takes A Village!
When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat?
When she didn’t swallow everything he presented.
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
What’s the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes he did?
A dead girlfriend.
What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
Swallow the leader.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Now Clinton wants to bring Iraq to its knees!
The Judge in the Oprah Winfrey case just threw out the portion of that case that deals with meat liable laws. Will this set a precedent helpful to Bill Clinton in the Paula Jones trial?
Why was it difficult for Clinton to fire Monica Lewinsky?
He couldn’t giver her a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
So it’s about Bill Clinton’s new revelations about his sex life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer Flowers a couple of times....but he didn’t come.
What does Bill say to Hillary after a romantic interlude?
”Honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes.”
Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary?
He wants to be on top.
How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
He married her.
How many women does it take to satisfy Bill Clinton’s sexual appetite?
It Takes A Village!
How does Bill Clinton teach a woman to golf?
He starts with the irons and ends up in the woods.
“One thing’s for sure about Clinton. He sure doesn’t neglect domestic affairs!”
Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
To promote off-shore drilling.
Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Yesterday, President Clinton was interviewed by Jim Lehrer on his alleged affair with a whitehouse intern and subsequent alleged subornation of her perjury. Clinton said, “I’m just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work.”

Well put.


In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal.

Working title: “All the President’s Women.”


I’m watching Sky news live at 9pm in Israel, 22 January (2 pm EST).

Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that “the President really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his performance.”

Isn’t that the whole problem?


It occurred to me on the way back from lunch today that there was really only one suitable name for the latest Clinton scandal:

“Willie-gate”


Clinton’s defense in the White House aide sex scandal;

“I didn’t come.”


“Re-elect President Gore in 2000”
Hillary Clinton is coming out with her new book, “It Takes a Village to Watch My Husband”
If President Clinton practiced safe, monogamous sex, he wouldn’t be worried about aides.
I heard that Clinton was on the Conan show and was quoted to say, “I didn’t tell her to lie in the disposition. I told her to lay in that position.”
It occurred to me that for a young woman, taking a job in the White House, these days, could be thought of as joining the “Piece Corps”.
While browsing the White House’s web page looking for info about the latest scandal, I knew I had succeeded when I found the following header at the top of the page under the current press releases:

“The White House at Work: Increasing Support for Family Planning”

Ah, well I guess that’s one way to put it...


A recent poll of 2000 women asked the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?

94% responded, “Never again”


Prosecutors have agreed to spare Ted Kaczynski’s life, in exchange for his testimony of having had an affair with President Clinton.
"Monica Lewinsky" also spells:
  • Nice silky woman.
  • Like icy snowman.
  • Knew noisy claim.
  • Now in slimy cake.
  • Ya! Slick now mine.
  • We lick insomnia.
  • I know sin, malice.
  • I nail sick women.
  • Wank my silicone
  • Wonky manic lies.
  • I'm nice, slow Yank.
  • Now I mean sickly.
  • Now my sick alien.
  • O! wily nicknames.
  • Woman ski nicely.
  • Knows aim nicely.
  • A nice snowy milk.
  • Ways link income.
  • Cosily wank mine.
  • I only wanks mice.
  • I wank slimy once.
  • Oy! nice wank, Slim.
  • No! wanks me icily.
  • Sick menial wino.
  • Insane milky cow.

And now a little conspiracy theorist bonus: Look at the number of letters in both names: Hillary Clinton 7 William Clinton 7 Chelsea Clinton 7 Vernon Jordan 6 Paula Jones 5 Linda Tripp 5
    Forwarded from Dave Wisneski, Robin Goldstein, and Robert Poserina.