"Members of Congress...people of America....
I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news,
folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute
player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only
babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are The First Lady, Reno,
Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a Little older than I
like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to The President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files,
smoked dope, inhaled, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean
wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to
Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed
every ass that entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good. Six years ago, there wasn't a man, woman, or child who
didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway,
which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice
was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some
place called "Kennebunkport." There was Reagan, who left the office
with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him
who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like
his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but
never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and
almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style
of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose
major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John
Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The
budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute
to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-
watchman. The stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram
of dummy-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can
spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with
your daughter...unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and
then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you
are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too
interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.
Thank you, good night and God bless America.