Ladies and gentlemen :

Stay away from Windows 95.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, avoiding Microsoft products would be it. The long-term damage of any monopoly has been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of LINUX. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of this Intel based Operating system until it’s completely obsolete. But trust me, in 2 years, you’ll be working on some annoying multimedia programming interface that creates source code by tracking your eyeball movements. And you won’t be able to accomplish a thing.

You are just as fat as you imagine. No. Fatter.

Don’t worry about the year 2000. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as having a conference call with HR Bitties. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some idle Tuesday. Take comfort in the fact that the typical person involved in a Year 2000 Project is exactly the same type who will have nothing to do that New Year’s Eve. If only everyone would drink that night no one would turn on any computers the next day, then there’d be no Year 2000 problem.

Do one thing every day that scares you. Even if it means Editing Benefits.sub, visiting the HR bitties in Bedminster, getting a kiss from Risa, or saying hello to that freaky kid that empties the recyle bins.

If you have something bad to say about someone, make it as funny as possible.

Listen to Howard Stern whenever you can. If he’s on a roll, stay in you car and laugh your ass off. Then go into work and tell what you heard to the best-dressed women in your office. They’ll pretend to be offended but they love it.

If you get a 2 or 3 page “Memo” from someone with a job title that’s something like “Staff Director, Benefits Planning,” only read the last sentence. If the person has anything important to tell you, this is where they will put it. If the last sentence is long and rambling just throw out the Memo.

Floss.. during a conference call. You might as well make use of your time.

Make friends with the guy in your company who handles sexual harassment cases. If this person is a woman try to get her into bed. If she’s not attractive, well, sometimes you have to take one for the team.

Don’t ever listen to a Meatloaf song straight through. If you are in a car, and one comes on the radio, take your eyes off the road and quickly hit one of your pre-sets to get away from the song. It’s so worth the gamble of not watching where your going just to avoid another note. Your insurance might not even go up after an accident, but the damage done from hearing too much Meatloaf can be devastating.

Avoid corporate buzzwords and people who use them. If your on a call with someone who starts using buzzwords say, “I’ve got to hang up now.... I’ve got an Albatross waiting here on my desk and I think it’s starting to go to the bathroom.”

Be kind to your knees. Especially if your a giraffe.

Sing. Especially if you’re on a conference call.

Never sing along to a Meatloaf song. If you’re in a bar, and some girl you’ve been talking to starts singing along with Meatloaf, start making out with her. If she doesn’t want to make out, leave.

If a female friend is dancing with a guy and she is making faces at you so that you will come over and rescue her, don’t — let her be. It means to you one less headache and one once less guy trying to scam the other girls in the bar.

Hit your accelerator when you go over speed bumps.

Also be kind to your chin.

Always answer “High Priority” and “Urgent” messages last. If you wait long enough, these problems usually solve themselves.

To get an idea of someone’s technical ability, watch them use a fax machine.

Keep all modern electronic devices including beepers, cell phones, and laptops as far away from your genitals as possible.

Never talk to long to a female bartender. She doesn’t like you. She is talking to you because it is her job and she is looking for a big tip. This is a big rookie mistake. Also, never talk to long to a male bartender; he may like it.

Don’t try to hook up in bars. Ignore all members of the oposite sex and laugh and smile a lot. If you do this, the oposite sex will flock to you.

Do try to hook up in libraries, at work, on trains... In these situations it’s OK to be obvious about your intentions. Try to act like you’re in a singles bar (except when you are in a singles bar).

Like my mother always told me, if you ever meet a stranger and he has candy or toys and he wants you to get in his car, go with him.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Live in Cleveland once, but leave before it makes you a fat bastard.
Live in Rockland once, but leave before you become extremely hairy.
Live on Long Island once, but leave before it makes you a chronic masturbator.
Live in Chicago once, but leave before you start to sound like Kurt Vonnegut.
Live in Goshen once, but leave before you thrive solely on wild shrubbery.
Live in Jersey once, but leave before your ass crack hangs out while you’re writing AREV programs.

But trust me on Windows95.