ACCESS	A large painful boil on the chips from distant hacking.
ANSI	A hacker who can't sit still.
ARRAY	Hacker's spontaneous exclamation when something works for a change. Rarely used.
ASCII	The key to your girlfriend's apartment.
BASIC	Something so simple you need a computer to understand it.
BAUD RATE	Fee charged by loose women; usually $500 and up.
BI-DIRECTIONAL	A computer who swings both ways.
BUFFER	A nude hacker.
BYTE	Short for "BUY IT", usually in reference to peripherals.
CURSOR	A hacker on his way home from the computer store.
DEDICATED WORD PROCESSOR	A secretary who stays after 5:00.
DISK DRIVE	A popular street in Cupertino.
DOUBLE DENSITY	Really dumb.
ELECTRONIC MAIL	The only kind delivered in less than a week.
EXPANSION SLOTS	The extra holes in your belt.
FATAL BUG	To have a Volkswagon drop on you.
FLOPPY DISK	Serious curvature of the spine.
HEAD CRASH	A collision with a Port-A-Potty.
HOLOGRAM	Greeting from an elderly woman.
INTEGRATED CIRCUIT	An electric bus with randomly seated black chips.
INTERPRETER	Someone you take with you to the computer store so you can understand the salesman; usually a 12 year old.
KEY PAD	An apartment with a lock.
KEY WORD	"Your place or mine?"
MACHINE LANGUAGE	"Zoom," "Putt-Putt," "Chugga-chugga," "Whirr," etc.
MEMORY	Where data is placed prior to losing it.
MENU	An itemized list of ways to make a mistake on a computer.
NETWORK	What a fisherman does when he's not fishing.
OFFICE INFORMATION SYSTEM	The word processor who knows the most gossip.
OHM	Where the 'eart is!
OUTPUT DEVICE	A Word processor who can't say "NO!"
PLASMA DISPLAY	A bloody nose.
PROGRAM	A random collection of bugs.
READ/WRITE HEAD	Men's room with a graffiti wall.
RUNNING HEAD	One which needs the handle jiggled.
SILICON	A foolish prisoner.
SKEW	Interface between consenting computers.
SKEW FAILURE	Premature calculation.
SOFTWARE	What hackers wear under their hardware.
SOFTWARE STORE	Frederick's of Hollywood.
STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE	The way nobody does it.
TAPE PUNCH	A non-alcoholic drink that comes in a roll and sticks to your fingers.
TELEPACK	A brewery that delivers.
TERMINAL INTELLIGENCE	To be so smart it kills you!