- Do not say what you mean. Ever.
- Be ambiguous. Always.
- Cry. Cry often. Tell them it's their fault.
- Bring things up that were said, done, or thought years, months, or
- Make them apologize for everything.
- Stash feminine products in their backpacks and in their books as
cute reminders that you were thinking of them.
- Gossip. Gossip about everything that walks.
- Play Alanis Morissette's "You Outta Know," loud. Look at them.
- Look them in the eye and start laughing.
- Get mad at them for everything.
- Discuss your period in front of them. Watch them squirm.
- Hold grudges.
- Demand to be e-mailed. Often. Whine when they don't comply.
- When complimented, make sure to be paranoid. Take nothing at
- Use daddy as a weapon. Tell them about his gun collection, his
quick trigger finger, and his affection for his "little princess."
- Be late for everything. Yell if they're late.
- Talk about your ex-boyfriend 24-7. Compare and contrast.
- Go everywhere in groups, especially the bathroom. Do nothing
alone. Independence is a sign of weakness.
- Make them guess what you want and then get mad when they're
- Plan little relationship anniversaries, i.e. the monthly
anniversary of the time you saw each other in the library for five
minutes. Then get mad at them for forgetting. Then cry.
- Fall for your FAC.
- Gather many female friends and dance to "I Will Survive" while they
are present. Sing all the words. Sing to them. Sing loud.
- Correct their grammar.
- Describe back-alley abortions. Then remind them of their mother
or little sister.
- Constantly claim you're fat. Ask them. Then cry, regardless of
- Leave out the good parts in stories.
- Make sure to only be interested in guys in the same friendship
group. Make sure to cause trouble.
- Make them wonder. Confusion is a good thing.
- Declare that you are not wacko.
- Criticize the way they dress.
- Criticize the music they listen to.
- Criticize their hair.
- Ignore them. When asked, "What's wrong?" tell them that if they
don't know, you're not going to tell them.
- Try to change them.
- Try to mold them.
- Try to get them to dance.
- Pretend you're interested, lead them on, then feign ignorance
- When they screw up, never let them forget it.
- Make them stay at religious services until they are close to
fainting. Just because.
- Blame everything on PMS.
- Blame everything on PMS only after it has been blamed on them.
- Whenever there is silence ask them, "What are you thinking?"
- Get mad if they don't notice a haircut. Even if it's only a
- Read into everything.
- Over-analyze everything.
- Make it your goal to make them cry.