If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something
when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me
a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying. "And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and
she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas
with some good ideas.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And
I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right
there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds
singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to
get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the
public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay
down and go to sleep.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was
not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your
rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person
is you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy
was reading a magazine.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and
while you're in there some guys come and seals up both ends and then
it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what
to tell you.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you
think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife? Trust
me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd
look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not
add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls
a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign
a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty
and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.
That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure
owed me a lot of money."
- Its sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a
pack of wild dogs.
- Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why
several of us died of tuberculosis.
- I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned
him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped
- I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is
they dont want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff,
then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was
- Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite
and bite, but it wont bother the frog because it only has little tiny
plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like
- Id rather be rich than stupid.
- If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors
came up to you and asked where the gold was, I dont think it would be a
good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
- If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I
guess Im a coward.
- I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every
culture, is the story of Popeye.
- When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if
they ever press charges.
- What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save
a solid gold baby? Maybe well never know.
- We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we cant scoff at
them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
- Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of
striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
- I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was
free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending
hes throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
- To me, clowns arent funny. In fact, theyre kind of scary. Ive
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to
the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
- As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was
very pleasurable - until I realized it wasnt a nectarine at all, but A
- Most people dont realize that large pieces of coral, which have been
painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a
child look like a deer.
- Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when youre coming home his face might burn up.
- You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make
people happy, but inside hes real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
- Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm
myself down. Ill go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When
the person comes to the door, Im gone, but you know what Ive left on the
porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a
note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm
- If youre a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
- If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build
- If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
youll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
- Id like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.
- Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.
- He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said,"Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "Ill be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
- The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember wed all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and
drive and drive. Im not sure where wed go, but I think there were some
trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad."
Wed eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some
things never leave you.
- Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. Its a shark riding on
an elephants back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
- As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write
in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was
a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was
- One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried
and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good
joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting
- If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? Id say Flippy, wouldnt you? Youd be wrong,
though. Its Hambone.
- Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, thats what
her dinner tasted like.
- We used to laugh at Grandpa when hed head off and go fishing. But we
wouldnt be laughing that evening when hed come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
- I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
- As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and
how I named him Flint.
- If youre a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet its real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you
- If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesnt open, and your friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you
- When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
wed all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one
of us. It wasnt until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
- I think people tend to forget that trees are living creatures. Theyre
sort of like dogs. Huge, quiet, motionless dogs, with bark instead of fur.
- Marta likes to talk about sensuality, but I dont think she would know
sensuality if it bite her on the ass.