Employer Talk.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION
You'll make under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY

You'll make under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY

We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance we'll be the next Mircosoft.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN

Once the higher-ups share it, there won't be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY

We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER

We're not going to supply leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

SELF-MOTIVATED

Management won't answer questions.

WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS

After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.

PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS

After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k).
If you behave, we'll give a 3 percent matching contribution.

SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE

. . . who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE

We don't pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT

We have a lot of turnover.

EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT

Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.

JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM

We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.

FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT

Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.

A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT

We booze it up at company parties.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED

You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED

If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K

We'll offer you $22K to start.

A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION

You'll give boring speeches on your own time.

FLEXIBLE HOURS

Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

DUTIES WILL VARY

Anyone in the office can boss you around.

WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED

Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.

CAREER-MINDED

Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON

If you're old or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE

We've filled the job; our call for resumes is a formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE

You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST

You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS

You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD

You whine, you're fired.

ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY

We loooooove brown nosers.

    Forwarded from Dave Wisneski.