Just a few stories from our nation's Emergency Rooms to prove
that fact is stranger than fiction.
- A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and
a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head
and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into
the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
- A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
abdominal pain. During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the
lady had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina
and then safety-pinned her labia shut. Unable to have children
she was hoping that the chicken would turn into a baby.
- A man in his mid-fifties did a Lorena Bobbitt on himself in a
drunken rage and ended up in the ER. The urologist thought that he
could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
was in good condition. The police were dispatched to the man's house
and the search was on. During the search one of the officers heard
a choking sound coming from the man's poodle that was sitting in the
corner. After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the
man's jewels from the dog's mouth. After inspection of the parts by
the urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to
pee while sitting (if you know what I mean). The officer was given a
commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.
- A woman with shortness on breath and who weighed approximately
500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen. While
trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of
the folds under her arm. After an X-ray showed a round mass on the
left side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find
a shiny new dime. And last but not least during a pelvic exam a
TV remote control was discovered in one of the folds of her crotch.
She became known as "The Human Couch".
- A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the
ER parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving
birth. Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling
"¡Puta! ¡Puta! ¡Puta!" at this the grandmother
started to cry and the baby's father had to be restrained.
What the doctor should
have been saying was "¡Puja!" (Push!) Instead he was saying
"Whore! Whore! Whore!"
- A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables
when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum. Unable to get it
out on his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All
he was given was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait
and he would eventually poop it out. On his way out one of the
nurses yelled, "Come on back this afternoon. Were having a Butt-
- An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with
cocaine induced seizures. As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to
insert a catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the
bladder) a neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin
fold. When the man woke up and demanded to leave, the nurse gave
him back his belongings and told him where she had found the
money. His response: "It was a fifty, bitch!"
- An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green
vines in my virginny" (Interesting). A pelvic exam verifies that
she did, indeed, have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina.
Further inspection revealed that she had a mass in her vaginal
vault. It was easily removed and looked very much like a potato.
It was, indeed, a potato. The patient said that her uterus was
falling out and that she "put a potato in there to hold it up"
and then forgot about it.
- The most nonemergent ER visit: A male adolescent came in at
2 a.m. with a complaint of belly button lint.
- A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During
the exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active.
The doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back
positive. The doctor went back to the young female's room.
|Doctor:||"The results of your pregnancy test came back
positive. Are you sure you're not sexually active?"|
|Patient:||"Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there." |
|Doctor:||"I see. Well, do you know who the father is?" |
- A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was
rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The
doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her
mother didn't make it. "Didn't make it? Where could they be?
She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"
- A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother
sitting next to him. The boy was coming down from "crank"
(methamphetamine) that he had injected into his veins with
needles he had been sharing with his friends. Concerned about
this the doctor asked the boy if there was anything he might
have been doing that put him at risk for AIDS. The boy thought
for a while then said questioningly, "I've been fucking the dog?"
- A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said
that she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off
and she wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers. I went
to the bathroom and "gagged" myself to vomit but couldn't vomit
it up either."