1. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
2. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3. 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.
4. Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?
5. Don’t use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
6. ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
7. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
8. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
9. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
10. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
11. I used up all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
12. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
13. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
14. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
15. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
16. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
17. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
18. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
19. I don’t have a solution but I admire the problem.
20. Don’t be so open-minded your brains fall out.
21. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
22. Diplomacy is the art of saying “Nice doggie!” till you can find a rock.
23. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
24. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
25. If things get any worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
26. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
27. Don’t look back, they might be gaining on you.
28. It’s not hard to meet expenses, they’re everywhere.
29. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
30. Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
31. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
32. Car service: If it ain’t broke, we’ll break it.
33. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
34. Do witches run spell checkers?
35. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
36. Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
37. Dain bramaged.
38. Department of Redundancy Department
39. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D’Etat!
40. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.