What is a Frat?

Every college campus has them. Those uptight, Xerox-copied Ken dolls who prance about campus like God's gift to the world. They think they're cool and rebellious by spending their Saturday nights getting plastered and gawking at women who they have about as much chance having sex with as they doing suddenly realizing how pathetic their store-bought lives are.

They are the Fraternity geeks.

Former high school student council people who, when thrust into the college system, realized that Daddy's money could no longer buy them positions of greatness in the eyes of fellow students, so instead they rent their best friends. They brag about the women they've "done" to compensate for their small penises. They deliver commands to other students in a threatening tone when surrounded by fellow frat daddies, but sweetly talk and in an open, caring manner when alone and running the risk of getting their ass kicked.

And their logic and language are as impudent.

Take, for instance, the famous defense phrase beat into the cement noggin of every greek boy:

"Don't call your fraternities `frats,' because you wouldn't call your country `cunt.'"

Now, immediately, the standard human being with an IQ about the negative range can see three problems in the above statement.

  1. It's not my frat.
  2. This guy doesn't know for sure that I don't call my country cunt.
  3. "Frat" is a slang term created by dropping the "-ernity" of "fraternity." Drop the "-ry" off "country" and you get "count," not "cunt."
In short, they just aren't quick. But not to fear. Here's a guide to some of their popular phrases and words, translated for your benefit. It's a short file, based off short intellect.

SituationIn Fraternity In English
CONFRONTATION "I'll kick your ass!" "I'm gonna get about 20 of my frat buddies together and we're gonna wield bats and hope we can catch you asleep under a tree so we can beat you up!"
"I've never lost a fight." "I've never been in a fight."
"I'm about to introduce you to a work of pain." "I'm gonna pay a football player to beat you up."
"Surely we can talk this out like rational human beings." "Not the face! Not the face!"
"I believe in a fair fight." "We'll start the fight when my back up arrives."
EDUCATION "By taking the initiative to go on to a university and further my education, I hope to broaden my horizons, open new eployment oppurtunities, and be a better person on the whole." "I'm here for beer and sex, in no particular order."
MEETING WOMEN "Hello, may I buy you a drink?" "How much alcohol does it take to get you in bed?"
"Would you like to dance?" "Please give me a reason to touch you."
"I think men should be more responsive to the needs of women." "It really pisses me off when chicks don't swallow."
"That's a very interesting name you have." "That's a very interesting name you have. Of course, in five minutes, I'll be so absorbed by alcohol and staring at your chest that I won't remember it."
"Would you like to go back to my place?""Let's go back to my places where I can paw at you, get slapped, and later brag to all my frat brothers about what an easy lay you were, destroying any chance at respectability you have."
"I'd like to get to know you better." "Take off your bra."
RELIGION "I respect Christianity. Jesus was a great man, full of love and patience. The hate he had to endure, and yet he still loved us all. He truly was the Son of God.""Anyone who turns water to wine can't be all bad."
"I respect you for your decision of abstinence." "Damn it, I paid for your dinner. Now put out!"
"Of course I'll respect you in the morning." "Respect you in the morning? I can't even remember your name tonight!"
"I want you to know I don't do this with just anyone." "Looks like I get another notch on the ol' belt. Three more and my frat pals throw a kegger in my honor."
"Despite our differences, I'm still willing to make a go at a relationship." "You're ugly, but I don't wanna look at you. I just wanna f**k you."
"I love you." "God I hope I wasn't stupid enough to give you my real phone number."
SOCIAL ISSUES "I totally agree with your stance and am angered how my race has oppressed you for so long.""Just because I can't make you sit at the back of the bus does not mean I have to like you."
"The plight of your people is truly an awe-inspiring tale." "I hate you, you [insert appropriate racial slur here]."
"I want you to know that despite our color differences, I think of you as a brother.""Please don't mug me."
"Not enough people take birth control seriously." "So what if it IS my kid, I don't see how it's my problem."
"But the problems with condoms is you still run the 20%+ chance of it rupturing during sex." "No way in hell am I putting something that looks like a party balloon on my dick."
"Something needs to be done about the homeless problem in our country." "Can't we shoot them or something?"
"It breaks my heart to think somewhere in the world, a small child will go to bed without his dinner again tonight.""Better him than me."

In English In Fraternity
Woman Bitch
Holy Water Beer
God Beer
Someone who can help me get what I need,
be there when I need to use them,
and never asks for favors in return
Someone who can be in no way exploitedAsshole
Art school student
[when in company of other frats]
Art school student
[when alone & surrounded by other art school students]
Master of the Visual Arts
Checking Account/Loan Officer Daddy
Girlfriend Guaranteed Sex
Janitor Most probable post-college job