This is for all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone! Dont take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you dont know!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, Hello? I politely said, This is Bobby Carpenter and could I
please speak to Melissa Lewis?
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldnt
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Melissas correct number and called
her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.
After I hung up with Melissa, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my
desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled Youre
a jackass! and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word jackass, and
put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really
bad day, Id call him up. Hed answer, and Id yell, Youre a jackass! It would always
cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an
idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, Hello.
I made up a name. Hi. This is
the sales office of the telephone company and Im just calling to see if youre familiar
with our caller ID program?
He went, No! and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, Thats because youre a jackass!
The reason I took the time to tell you
this story, is to show you how if theres ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 402-8863.
An old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didnt think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to
move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little
more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, shes finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black
Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I
started honking my horn and yelling, You cant just do that, Buddy. I was here first!
The guy got out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall
as if he didnt even hear me. I thought to myself, This guys a jackass.
There are sure a lot of jackasses in the world. I noticed he had a For Sale
sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
A couple of days later, Im at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the
phone after calling 402-8863 and yelling, Youre jackass! (Its really easy to call him
now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the
black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I better call this guy too. He answered the phone
and said, Hello. I said, Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?
Yes, it is.
Can you tell me where I can see it?
Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. Its a yellow house and the cars parked right
I said, Whats your name?
My name is Don Hansen.
Whens a good time to catch you, Don?
Im home in the evenings.
Listen Don, can I tell you something?
Don, youre a jackass! And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up, I added Don Hansens number to my speed dialer. For a while
things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two
jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and
hanging up on them, it just wasnt as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First,
I had my phone dial Jackass #1. The man answered nicely saying, Hello.
I yelled Youre a jackass!, but I didnt hang up.
The jackass said, Are you still there?
I said, Yeah.
He said, Stop calling me.
I said, No.
He said, Whats your name, pal?
I said, Don Hansen.
He said Where do you live?
1802 West 34th Street. Its a yellow house and my black Camaros
parked out front.
Im coming over right now, Don. Youd better start saying your
Yeah, like Im really scared, Jackass! and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, Hello.
I said, Hello, Jackass!
He said, If I ever find out who you are...
Ill kick your butt.
Well, heres your chance. Im coming right over, Jackass! And I hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going down on W.
34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing.
Watching two jackasses beating the crap out of each other in front of siz
squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences
of my life!