This is an actual job application someone submitted for a fast-food
establishment. Or was it an architectural firm? Enjoy!
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT
DESIRED POSITION:Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's
available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:$185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible,
make an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD:Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY:Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:My incredible collection of stolen pens
and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?Yes, but they're better suited to a
more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT
WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?I think the more appropriate question here
would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?I may
already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?Living in Bimini
with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing
since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF
YOUR KNOWLEDGE?No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE:Scorpio with Libra rising.