MICROSOFT Aquires Christmas
by Robert Reiser
NORTH POLE (API) MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus
Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via sattelite
from Santas summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the
deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and
other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to
millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that beginning Jan 1, 1995,
Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This
unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently aquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to all who have made Christmas great,
and vowed to make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available
to all. It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due
before Halloween, will be very strict.
When asked Why buy Christmas? Bill Gates replied, Microsoft has been
working on a more effecient delivery mechanism for all of our products for
some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate
Well use it first for the release of Windows95 and Office 95.
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seamingly endless
video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and
red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 95 trademark,
leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, The first step
is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft organization. This will
take some time, so dont expect any changes this year. She continued,
"our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 95. It will be
bigger and better than last year. She further elaborated that Windows95
users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas
as early as November first.
Christmas 95 is scheduled for release in December of 1995, though one
unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year
and may slip into the first half of 1996. An economist at Goldman Sachs
explained that a slip would be catostrophic to next years economy and the
nations tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for
filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that
was. But it could be good in the long term, he explained. With
Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which
are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the
economy over the year.
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained
that Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there.
Not all holidays are availble for sale, and the remaining will have to
show a good long term business, suggesting that holidays with a short
history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld pending final FTC
approval, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was sizeable, even for
a man of Santas stature. Some analysts think that Santa has saturated
the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to
year-round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man
is looking to retire in Redmond.
A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for