Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Report):

• Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
• Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
• A room temperature IQ.
• Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
• A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
• A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
• A prime candidate for natural deselection.
• Bright as Alaska in December.
• One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
• Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
• Fell out of the family tree.
• Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming
• Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
• He's so dense, light bends around him.
• If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
• If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
• If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
• If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
• It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
• One neuron short of a synapse.
• Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
• Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 Minutes.
• Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
• Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

Actual excerpts from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:

• His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
• I would not breed from this officer.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
• This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
• This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
• When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• This officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.