ANIMALS

• Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
• Lost: Small apricot poodle - Reward. Neutered, like one of the family.
• Lost: Beagle, partly blind, hard of hearing, castrated; answers to the name of Lucky.
• For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
• For Sale: Great Dames.
• Dog For Sale: Eats anything; especially fond of children.
• Pit Bull For Sale: Owner deceased.
• For Sale, three canaries of undermined sex.

FROM THE KITCHEN

• A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
• Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche. 7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
• Dinner Special - Chicken or Beef $2.25; Turkey $2.35; Children $2.00

ANTIQUES

• For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Four-poster bed, 101 years old, Perfect for antique lover.

VACATION

• Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
• If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
• Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in. The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

WANTED

• Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
• Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
• Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
• Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month; References required.
• Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Salary and Blue Cross.
• Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
• Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
• Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool; Experience preferred.
• Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business and be willing to get hands dirty.
• Man, honest. Will take anything.
• Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
• Wanted: Haircutter. Excellent growth potential.
• Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
• Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tractor - send photo of tractor.

MISCELLANEOUS

• Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
• Ears pierced - while you wait!
• No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
• Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
• Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
• This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
• We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
• For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
• For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
• Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
• Stock up and save. Limit: one.
• We build bodies that last a lifetime.
• See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
• Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
• Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
• Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
• For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
• Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
• 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us llast year.
• Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
• Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
• Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
• Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
• Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
• Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
• And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
• We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.

RADIO SPOTS:

• Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
• When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
• Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
• Illiterate? Write for free information.