What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their
toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a
party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet
the toilet too."
What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of
chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had
hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is
not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about?
And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a
restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food.The
guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No
animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? "Who is that sign
for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various
important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why
restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be
reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no
idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a
trigonometry quiz with the menu?
If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why
don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're
finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone
companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV
shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a
With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem
to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do
those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I
wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come
over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to
super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of
felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet
The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a
pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at
that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can
make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we
have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what
situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no
business nap meetings.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a
slick surface next to a glass door!
It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional
good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your
Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces,
secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too
much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did
you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a
security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do? "
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be
making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting.
They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when
you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously
they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if
you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the
time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas!
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It
never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing
there going, "Bye."
Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace
anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish.
You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your
toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every
hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that
they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy.
I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming
in next? Oh no, another head case."
Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in
the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have
time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time? " You never see
Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a
break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll
bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll
drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."
The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is
the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person
they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of
time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old,
she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter
administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and
registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes,
"Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it
along.....Routine pal check."
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't
eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the
camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching.
Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the
way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about."
How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of
the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the
little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time
somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down.
Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview
mirror of my Camaro?
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type
of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration,
but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us
your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey,
the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify
"The wretched refuse? " Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the
sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have
trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't
signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're
stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls,
if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad
credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In
other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow
cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind
of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then
suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging
from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at
you, "Where's your jockstrap? !" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you,
snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History,
Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that
My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of
people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do
I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's
the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country.
"All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are
Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me?
Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but
okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't
that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding
me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again.Just
what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that
when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are
compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making
progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be
late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish
baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh,
man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that
Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry
detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why
do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't
even get the DETERGENT white!
Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup
holders, kiddie seats and doors.What kind of advertising is
that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at
the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you
need it!"I think not.
Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep
calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something.
And what's this with his last name? What does this mean, that
he gives away the letter h?