Seinfeldian Observations.

  1. What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
  2. What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.
  3. Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food.The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."
  4. Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs? "Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
  5. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living plants? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
  6. Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
  7. If airline seat cushions are such great flotation devices, why don't you ever see anyone take one to the beach?
  8. Why do they call it a "building"? It looks like they're finished. Why isn't it a "built"?
  9. Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
  10. With any kind of physical test, I don't know what it is, I always seem to get competitive. Remember when you were in school and they'd do those hearing tests? And you'd really be listening hard, you know? I wanted to do unbelievable on the hearing test. I wanted them to come over to me after and go, "We think you may have something close to super-hearing. What you heard was a cotton ball touching a piece of felt. We're sending the results to Washington, we'd like you to meet the President."
  11. The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.
  12. Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!
  13. It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do? "
  14. I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
  15. The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."
  16. Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
  17. Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."
  18. Talk-show hosts never seem to have any idea how much time is left in the show, you know? They're always looking off camera, "Do we have time? Are we out of time? How are we doing on time? " You never see Magnum P.I. go, "Should I strangle this guy or are we gonna take a break here? Can you stay for another beating? I'll tell you what, I'll bop him in the head, we'll do a commercial, we'll come back, I'll drive in the car real fast. Stay with us."
  19. The main difference between the man's wallet and the woman's wallet is the photo section. Women carry with them a photograph of every person they've ever met every day in their whole life since the beginning of time. And every picture's out of date. "Here's my cousin, 3 years old, she's in the Marines now. This is my dog, he died during the Carter administration." They get stopped by a cop, no license and registration. "Here's my fifty-six people who know me." Cop goes, "Alright ma'am, just wanted to make sure you had some friends. Move it along.....Routine pal check."
  20. I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
  21. Sunday's paper is the worst. Weekend. You want to relax. "Oh, by the way, here's a thousand pages of information you had no idea about." How can they tell you everything they know about every single day of the week and then have this much left over on Sunday when nothing's going on?
  22. Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Camaro?
  23. One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse? " Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
  24. Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap? !" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you, snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History, Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.
  25. My parents took me to Amish country, which to a kid, to see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TV, no phone you go, "So what? Neither do I." Who wants to see a whole community that's been grounded? That's the way they should punish the kids after they've seen Amish country. "All right son, get up to your room. That's it, I've had it, you are Amish, young man. For the rest of this weekend. Did you hear me? Amish! And don't come down till you've made some noodles and raised a barn."
  26. Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?
  27. How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own?
  28. All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they couldn't put Humpty together again.Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
  29. Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a danish!"
  30. Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
  31. Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!
  32. Did you see these new minivan ads? All they talk about are cup holders, kiddie seats and doors.What kind of advertising is that? When you see an ad for a suit, do they say, "And look at the zipper! Carefully hidden, but easily accessible when you need it!"I think not.
  33. Who is this guy Louis Freeh who is head of the FBI? People keep calling him Louie, like he was the king of France or something. And what's this with his last name? What does this mean, that he gives away the letter h?
    Forwarded from Dave Wisneski.