A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No!
This is her husband!"
You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the
hell out of it.
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While
he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the
coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his
grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my
dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They
climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first
guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The
second guy says, "What are you doing?
He says, "I figure when the bear gets
close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it."
The second guy says, "Are
you crazy? You can't outrun a bear."
The first guy says, "I don't have to
outrun the bear... I only have to outrun you."
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is
freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planel anding and screeching
to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the
shortest runway I ever landed on."
The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so wide."
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss. How many cups of
coffee do you think this thermos will hold?"
She says, "I think it's a
He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and