- Post a message asking how to post messages.
- Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with
names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
- Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a
key, and your home phone in your signature.
- Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in
- Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
- Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months
with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
- Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to
news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
- On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
- Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin
"for a poll".
- Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the
- Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet
its own sex group.
- Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
- Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
- Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
- Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers
roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex
"PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
- Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc
ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have
implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
- Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your
and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST"
- Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
- Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
- Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a
interchange of provocative ideas.
- Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
- Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular
is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to
their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy
- Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the
"imbecile" in your followup flames.
- Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
- Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
- Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your
- Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
- Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from
- Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink
- Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie
- Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
- Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to
the answers, since you "don't read the group".
- Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics
abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision,
the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
- Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in
readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".
- Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing
with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".
- Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going
hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating
- Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your
ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River
- Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as
sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and
genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and
- Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their
- Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in
inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for
- Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination
Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology
Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
- Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing
pecking a feeder bar.
- Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
- Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks
challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as
for the word vomit.
- Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or
- Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's
when you cross your eyes.
- Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
- Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
- Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
- Accuse female posters of being male.
- Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
- Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie"
their three months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of four.
- Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with
consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is
- If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by
others of being Nazis.
- Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a
- Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
- Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital
various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
- Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on
removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned
- Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico".
- Post only in Esperanto.
- Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill
posts you encounter that contain it.
- Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
- Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
- Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the
drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".
- Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting
name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
- In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup
their account passwords and credit card numbers.
- Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can
at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
- List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians
- Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's
in World War II.
- Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite
if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which
superior in alt.games.doom.
- Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who
follows the group closely and is desperately curious about
feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your
lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they
desist from such activity for all time.
- Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line
"BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
- Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
- Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of
mitt, little ladies?"
- Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses
Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup
with the original article.
- Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with
- Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise,
- Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound
distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
- Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
- Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you
show clear evidence of alien settlements.
- Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
- Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills
modem usage "in the name of freedom".
- Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your
- Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig
- Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the
- POST IN ALL CAPS
- omit all punctuation
- Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to
Cantor and Siegel's book.
- Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy
"Classified ATF Secret Hotline".
- Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the
movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it
in its entirety.
- Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are
- Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned
on the topic "AOL users suck".
- Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the
assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
- Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it
- Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave
Jam since they'll never tour again."
- Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in
helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
- Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse
- Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of
harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
- Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi
has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International
and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or