Jim's Favorite Famous Quote, Quip, Axiom, and Maxim Repository
Category: Funny.

The repository contains 104 quotes in the category ďFunny.Ē
Showing quotes 1 through 20 in the category ďFunny.Ē Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.

I say that if Lincoln were alive today, he would turn over in his grave.

President Gerald R. Ford
1913 ó 2006

Discussing his quadruple-bypass operation in the midst of the 2004 Presidential campaign:

Republicans arenít the only ones that want four more years.

President Bill Clinton
1946 ó     

Iím not afraid to die. I just donít want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen
1935 ó     

I donít want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.

Woody Allen
1935 ó     

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Woody Allen
1935 ó     

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen
1935 ó     

When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

Yogi Berra
1925 ó     

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Yogi Berra
1925 ó     

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

Yogi Berra
1925 ó     

Iím lost but Iím making good time.

Yogi Berra
1925 ó     

Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. Itís too crowded.

Yogi Berra
1925 ó     

You have to be careful if you donít know where youíre going because you might not get there.

Yogi Berra
1925 ó     

If you canít beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

George Carlin
1937 ó 2008

When someone asks you, ďA penny for your thoughts,Ē and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin
1937 ó 2008

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin
1937 ó 2008

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Groucho Marx
1890 ó 1977

Outside of a dog a book is manís best friend. Inside of a dog itís too dark to read.

Groucho Marx
1890 ó 1977

Any man who can see through a woman is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx
1890 ó 1977

Iíve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasnít it.

Groucho Marx
1890 ó 1977

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mark Twain
1835 ó 1910

Showing quotes 1 through 20 in the category ďFunny.Ē Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.