The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 1 through 20 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
When you come to a fork in the road, take it.
Yogi Berra
1925 —
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977
I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
1935 —
You are unique, just like everyone else.
Christmas is a time when everyone wants his past forgotten and the present remembered!
After hearing two eyewitness accounts of the same accident, you begin to wonder about history.
Close doesn’t count in baseball. Close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.
Frank Robinson
1935 —
It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
Sex and politics are a lot alike. You don’t have to be good at them to enjoy them.
Senator Barry Goldwater
1909 — 1998
I have a feeling that when my ship comes in I’ll be at the airport.
Charles M. Schulz
1922 — 2000
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, “Where have I gone wrong?” Then a voice says to me, “This is going to take more than one night.”
Charles M. Schulz
1922 — 2000
On heart valve surgery:
It’s no piece of cake, but it sure beats listening to Ted Kennedy on the Senate floor.
Senator Jesse Helms
1921 — 2008
On November 3, 1998, when Jesse Ventura was elected Governor of Minnesota:
The people of Washington could not be more surprised if Fidel Castro came loping across the midwestern prairie on the back of a hippopotamus.
Dan Rather
1931 —
The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them -- sometimes three.
Alexandre Dumas
1802 — 1870
The other day they asked me about mandatory drug testing. I said I believed in drug testing a long time ago. All through the sixties I tested everything.
Bill “The Spaceman” Lee
1946 —
I am free of all prejudice; I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946
If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Then quit. No sense being a damn fool about it.
W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946
The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a guy is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946
If there is no God then who has placed a pox on me and mocks me every day?
Dan Castellaneta
1958 —
Showing quotes 1 through 20 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
