The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 41 through 60 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Steven Wright
1955 —
After Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe divorced:
It proves no man can be a success in two national pastimes.
Oscar Levant
1906 — 1972
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Woody Allen
1935 —
To err is human; to pass air is also human.
It’s a beautiful day. I feel sorry for all the people who died early this morning; they missed the whole day.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.
Woody Allen
1935 —
Nobody goes where the crowds are anymore. It’s too crowded.
Yogi Berra
1925 —
Is life worth living? That depends on the liver.
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an orange.
Outside of a dog a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977
It is not enough that I succeed. Others must fail.
Guns are always the best method for private suicide. Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalculate the dosage and just have a good time.
P. J. O’Rourke
1947 —
Once I was young and had so much more orientation and could talk with nervous intelligence about everything and with clarity and without as much literary preambling as this.
Jack Kerouac
1922 — 1969
I say that if Lincoln were alive today, he would turn over in his grave.
President Gerald R. Ford
1913 — 2006
I must be wishing on someone else’s star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words ... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading to a lowered self-esteem and decreased work-related efficiency.
I’m lost but I’m making good time.
Yogi Berra
1925 —
Two heads are better than one. Unless they’re on the same body.
After winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in 1993:
My thanks to the Academy for the very finest, greatest award that any actor can ever receive. The only thing a man can say at a time like this is -- I am not really bald.
Tommy Lee Jones
1946 —
Showing quotes 41 through 60 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
