The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 61 through 80 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.
Yogi Berra
1925 —
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it by not dying.
Woody Allen
1935 —
Never answer an anonymous letter.
Yogi Berra
1925 —
Build a man a fire and he’s warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he’s warm for the rest of his life.
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
1937 — 2008
You have to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going because you might not get there.
Yogi Berra
1925 —
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Mark Twain
1835 — 1910
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
Oscar Wilde
1854 — 1900
Does a kangaroo get irritated when its baby eats his crackers in bed?
Metallurgy: the study of how to keep people from being allergic to metals.
Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
There’s not enough sax and violins on television.
Once I realized how expensive funerals are, I began to exercise and watch my diet.
Thomas Sowell
1930 —
The truth is a precious commodity. That’s why I use it so sparingly.
Mark Twain
1835 — 1910
If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive.
Samuel Goldwyn
1882 — 1974
Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic?
Lily Tomlin
1939 —
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.
Depend on the rabbit’s foot if you will, but remember it didn’t work for the rabbit.
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Steven Wright
1955 —
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
Steven Wright
1955 —
Showing quotes 61 through 80 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
