The repository contains 104 quotes in the category “Funny.”
Showing quotes 81 through 100 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
Selected as the most confusing public statement of 2003 by Britain's Plain English Campaign:
Reports that say something hasn’t happened are interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don’t know we don’t know.
Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
1932 —
A plastic surgeon’s office is the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose.
If you lend someone an ear, don’t expect to be repaid with interest.
Color television? Bah, I won’t believe it until I see it in black and white.
Samuel Goldwyn
1882 — 1974
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody’s satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV’s all over the world.
Steven Wright
1955 —
Discussing his quadruple-bypass operation in the midst of the 2004 Presidential campaign:
Republicans aren’t the only ones that want four more years.
President Bill Clinton
1946 —
I’m asking for your vote. For those of you for me, thanks for your help. For those of you for my opponent, please only vote once.
President George W. Bush
1946 —
Presidential Debate
October 17, 2000
When someone asks you, “A penny for your thoughts,” and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
George Carlin
1937 — 2008
Any man who can see through a woman is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
1890 — 1977
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
George Carlin
1937 — 2008
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams
1952 — 2001
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
1925 — 2005
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
Steven Wright
1955 —
If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals; you will run out.
Mitch Hedberg
1968 — 2005
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
1880 — 1946
If he’s so smart, how come he’s dead?
If the people of New Zealand want to be a part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands and push them closer.
Lewis Black
1948 —
Fun and failure both start out the same way.
They’re lawyers. That’s Latin for liars!
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow
1857 — 1938
Showing quotes 81 through 100 in the category “Funny.” Page 1 2 3 4 5 6.
